June 16, 2014

he already sees

The other day, I was driving to somewhere with a new kid's album on, purchased at the recommendation of a friend.  This one is my new favorite, with simple Bible songs over really pleasant folky guitar.  A nice change over the sometimes-obnoxious Pandora Toddler Radio that often plays.

The third song started singing about Moses.  And something about this song struck a cord in my heart.  I felt a lump in my throat as I pondered the words.

Who saved a baby in a boat? 
Who kept that baby’s boat afloat? 
Who loved that baby in the reeds? 
Who knows just what a baby needs? 

Who cares for you in just that way? 
And gives you all you need today? 
Yes, God’s the one who, day by day 
Will care for you in every way.

We are two months deep into the adoption paperwork, and I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around how this is going to flesh out in real life.  I do feel like I have a daughter with a beating heart, somewhere, half-way around this world.  When I dwell on it I feel a huge urgency in my spirit to bring her home.  But much of the time, it still seems so far away.  Without a face attached to my somewhere-daughter, it's easy to forget that she even exists yet.  That sounds horrible, but it's true.  But truth is, she probably needs my prayers more than ever now, before she is home.

As I listened to this song, my mind was stuck on her.  My sweet baby girl, somewhere.  Being kept afloat by the only one who holds life in his hands.  Loved already.  Her needs known already.  Cared for, and given what she needs in a way I simply can't yet.

Man.  A mixture of heartbreak and complete gratitude as I pondered that God cares for our baby girl just as he cared for Moses.  An orphan baby just floating about, wondering who is going to put a roof over her head.  And one more picture for me of how deeply God loves and cares for the orphan.  Over and over again in His story, he has used the fatherless to bring forth his great plan.  How easily I forget that the God of the universe already sees and loves her.

As I'm driving, I hit repeat on the song a time or two, using as a prayer for the face I have yet to see.  And then it hits me again.

Do I not believe that the same is also already true for me?

I struggle with striving.  Trying to do it on my own instead of surrendering.  Living as if I need to prove my worth or something , when really God already cares and gives me what I need.  And even, feeling like who am I to be on this journey.  How often I need to rest in his truth, as a mom especially.  With a two-year-old and a three-year-old I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.  My kids don't always buy into my plans for good behavior.  My method of discipline often seems to fall short when two tantruming boys seem to result in only more ugly behavior... often from me.

Still.  I am seen.  My needs are known.  And I only need to abide.  Fill my mind with truth, instead of the lies that I'm unworthy.  Rest in Him.

Now this song has become my prayer for my baby girl, wherever she is, that she find His love covering her already.  That she would feel seen.  Cared for.  Known.  Peace beyond understanding.  Despite whatever chaos may be in her world right now.

May 7, 2014

adoption fundraiser garage sale

What a busy week.  I haven't even taken the time to BLOG about what is happening this weekend.  Our first official adoption fundraiser is underway!  And of course, in the most possible time-consuming way.  Friends from all journeys of our life have donated items to our garage sale this weekend.  I have been seriously blown away at how much GOOD quality stuff we have received for this sale.  We have the greatest and most supportive community here.  If every item is purchased, it will put a small, but albeit, still impactful dent in the $35,000 bill headed our way.

So, if you are in the area - please stop by and say "hi" and enjoy some homemade cookies from friends (sold by two cute little boys), and maybe you'll find a treasure or two in all the "stuff" in our garage!

*email me for our address

April 28, 2014

being a boy mom

So, this happened this weekend.

Notice anything missing??  As in, a good chunk of Isaac's tooth?

There was no big traumatic event.  No blood.  No scratching or bruising.  A simple fall on just the right spot on his tooth, and off it broke.  This tiny baby chipped tooth has been taking up all of my brain space since yesterday when it happened.  I'm not sure why, but I'm seriously grieving his whole-toothed smile.

I took him to the pediatric dentist this morning, and he basically gave us two options.  We can leave it.  Or they can fill it in and "fix" it, which involves him being sedated, probably traumatized, because he'd be taken back into a room without me and having strangers poking at his mouth, and only then, just for cosmetic reasons.  And for a "filler" that has a decent chance of falling off because, well, he's a boy.

I feel like this must be some sort of rite of passage being a boy mom.  And as easily as this happened, I'm shocked any of my kids have any teeth at all.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do about this hole-y grin.  I'm far to emotional about it right now to make any decisions.  So, I'm sitting on it for a couple weeks and then we'll decide.

In the meantime, I just spent the day googling "baby chipped tooth" and "boy broken tooth" and I'm comforted by the fact that this is a common thing.  Especially with boys... who have brothers... apparently.  So, maybe it'll just show the neighborhood kids that he's tough stuff (which he is) and perhaps I'll even miss the dang thing when he actually loses it in 5 years.  We'll see.

*sigh*  I feel like this is only the beginning.

April 25, 2014

life just means we keep walking

Just a quick note.  I can't even begin to express how much all of your encouragement and prayers means to us.  I was blown away by the excitement and support with which our friends responded to our adoption news.

This is all still very very new to us.  But, it hasn't taken long to learn that things keep moving swiftly along.  Our application is being transferred from this person to that person and now we need this form completed, and that form notarized, and on and on.  Not to mention, the prospect of the largest bill we have ever seen.  Unfortunately, unlike giving birth, there is not health insurance to cover the costs associated with bringing this baby home.

There are many things that could scare us away.  By the world's standards, there are many things we should fear.  But I'm continually seeking to choose to surrender my mind to the Lord instead of to fear.  Emotionally, there are times when I feel like WHAT are we doing?!  because the unknown of it all feels like too much (and I know I haven't seen anything yet).  But in the end, it is a decision that we make.  Choosing to take the next step and to trust.  That God will provide.  WE are nothing special.  The sweet girl that will (Lord willing) be a member of our family, however, is something spectacular and fierce.  I know it already.  But, right now, we are just making the decision to keep walking.
I'm studying Galatians right now with my Monday morning ladies, and the timing couldn't be more appropriate.  I completed it on my own only weeks before starting this study, so it is being hammered in my head, and rightfully so.  I am FREE in Christ.  How many things in my life have I let bind me? How many things in my life have I tried to make my Savior?  Far too many.  Works.  Comfort.  Approval of my friends.  

I've been reading a study guide by Tim Keller, and while studying Chapter 3, he made the observation that we tend to create our own functional saviors out of comfort, control, or approval.  It just kind of stopped me in my tracks, making me examine my own heart.  In my moments of anger, of fear, insecurity, or any emotion that is contradictory to what the Lord has instilled in me, what am I seeking more than Him?
Approval of other people?

I've written those three words in my journal to continually check if there is an area in my heart that is trying to make a savior out of one of those.  Because these so-called functional "saviors" are not saviors at all.  There is no saving being done.  Only bondage to whatever it is you serve.  I know it well.

It seems that no matter what is head of us, each day is just putting one foot in front of the other.  Trusting the Lord and asking Him to mold us into what He needs us to be.  Daily surrender.  I wish it were more easy.

How's that for a few thoughts for a Friday night?
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